Anxiety and Low Productivity

Posted on July 9, 2011 by alexk

This is going to be a quick post.  I have not had a very productive day and have been battling bouts of anxiety for the past few days.  Although I am confident of my progress to date, I realize that I am anxious about my upcoming colloquium presentation.  I think the key issue is that I am very conscious of how much I still don’t know!!  It is funny that one benefit of the MSc has been a transition from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence but right now this “progression” is causing stress.  It was much easier when I knew very little but thought I knew a great deal.  Ignorance can truly be blissful!!  I also realize that awareness of one’s conscious incompetence is one thing, but displaying it to knowledgeable academics is quite another matter!  I have to keep reminding myself that I am tracking well given my stage in the journey and do my best not to be overwhelmed by the road ahead.

My focus during the past week has been on finalizing the colloquium presentation.  I submitted the final document to Henley on Thursday.  I did my first formal presentation DRY RUN today and plan to do two more by the end of Monday.  Hopefully by then I will feel more relaxed.  It was good to talk to my sister today about my anxiety.  She reminded me of how much I have accomplished so far and that I should be proud.  I am going to do my best to remember this, complete my DRY RUNS and then try to RELAX!!

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Procrastination Part 2

Posted on July 2, 2011 by alexk

Well it is 530pm and I am about to sign off from a focused afternoon at the Second Cup.  Unfortunately, I have not updated my research summary spreadsheet with any papers!  It is amazing how glibly I can make pronouncements about what I plan to do, but not so easy to execute… I hope to quash this procrastination by the end of July.

I have spent most of the afternoon refining my Henley Colloquium deck, essentially closing gaps that I identified last week.  The good news is that the deck is in very good shape, and I plan to submit it in a few days.  This will free me up next Saturday to do prepare for some other meetings that I will have while at Henley and to determine a list of theses to review at their library.

Overall, I have had a great week from an emotional perspective.  I received my final grade on my Research Proposal and was very pleased not just with the mark but also the feedback.  Both of my supervisors feel that I am tracking well as a researcher which is very satisfying.  I also had a highly enjoyable meeting with a Henley DBA who recently defended her dissertation.  I was able to glean a good deal about the road ahead based on her comments and advice.  I plan to have a follow-up meeting with her and also connect with another recent DBA graduate before the end of the summer.

I need to wrap up now because I have dinner plans with a girlfriend.  Upon reflection I realize that it has been an especially social day because I played tennis and had brunch with a girlfriend this morning.  I will not make a habit of this because I definitely could have been more productive academically today.  That said, it is summer and the living should be easy!!!

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Procrastination

Posted on June 25, 2011 by alexk

For the last six weeks I have been avoiding a task that is critical to writing a dissertation.  This task is not complicated but for some reason I really detest it.  The task that I am referring to is compiling a spreadsheet that summarizes key information from research studies.  The spreadsheet contains several fields that need to be populated such as author, title, methodology. and findings.  I devised the spreadsheet when I was writing a working paper last year and it was extremely useful in many ways.  It served as a valuable reference document when I wrote my literature review and also helped me to refine my research question.  Additionally, it is a useful learning tool because it provokes a deeper understanding of research due to the detail that is required to populate the spreadsheet.  Despite the numerous benefits I have studiously avoided updating the spreadsheet with the latest research that I have reviewed. 

The good news is that today was the day that I stopped my nonsense and input some data for 90 minutes.  I have decided that I need to devote at least 2 hours every Saturday to do this task because it is critical for my success and I clearly will not do it without some degree of structure.  Adding structure in the form of a “To Do” checklist for each week has also enabled an increase in my productivity during the work week.  This week I managed to complete 4 statistics videos, read a research paper, and scheduled some meetings with other researchers.  I am especially excited about a meeting scheduled for Wednesday with a Henley DBA who recently successfully defended her thesis.  I am looking forward to learning about her experience at the VIVA and receiving some advice for my thesis journey.

Overall it has been a good week of academic, work and life.  We are in the midst of a merger at work which is progressing well but is fraught with change so there is a lot of  “bobbing and weaving”.  I also managed to play tennis three times and watched a good deal of Wimbledon on TV.  Today I arrived at the library early and worked diligently for 4 hours.  In the afternoon I went to a very interesting “Afternoon Tea” fundraiser.  Tonight my partner and I are supposed to go to a BBQ, but I am feeling pretty fatigued.  In fact, as I re-read this post I  understand why I feel tired.  Pizza, beer, and chillaxing on the couch sounds like a MUCH better plan!

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Balancing Act

Posted on June 18, 2011 by alexk

It has been a very full week.  I was out of town for work for a few days and had many extracurricular events during the week including tennis, dinner with a girlfriend, and an event at church.  I also had a late start this morning because I was out for drinks until the wee hours with my partner –a great deal of fun!! 

Despite all of the extra-curricular I managed to maintain a reasonable level of focus on my research.  I read several papers, refined my Henley presentation, and had a highly productive meeting with my supervisor.  Her feedback on my Research Proposal was generally positive.  She also provided some very useful suggestions to consider related to methodology and terminology.  Her closing message was essentially:  “You are ready to start your dissertation.”  This was music to my ears!  I am going to continue my preparation for the July colloquium but simultaneously begin refining my dissertation project plan.  This way I can commence my research in earnest when I return from the UK.

It is becoming increasingly clear to me how important it will be to manage my time effectively and balance life, work, and research.  This week was a good example of taking on too much.  I managed to survive, but barely!!  The DBA Stage has no external milestones so it will be easy to lose focus on my research.  I will need to ensure that my project plan has some key milestones that involve detailed updates to my supervisors or colloquium presentations.  This will help me to remain on track.  Also, I still need to get better at saying “no” so that I can focus on the items that are of highest priority to me.  Balance will be an ongoing battle for me; however, awareness of the struggle ahead is a good starting place.

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On Track with Occasional Doubts

Posted on June 12, 2011 by alexk

This is a quick update as the library has closed. I am currently typing on the bench outside of the library and waiting for my partner to collect me.  I have had a productive day and week.  I devoted the majority of today working on a presentation for the upcoming Henley colloquium. I am looking forward to meeting with my supervisor on Thursday to hear her feedback on the Research Proposal that I completed in April as well as this presentation.  I am aiming to solidify the presentation by the first week in July so that I am relaxed the week before I depart for the UK. 

Overall my week was solid.  I completed several tutorials on Khan Academy, read two papers, and had a thoroughly enjoyable lunch with another researcher/practitioner who is considering completing a PhD or DBA.  It is very energizing to have a conversation with someone who shares my passion for both academia and industry.

I feel that I am on an upward trajectory.  That said, I continue to toggle between feeling on track and bouts of significant insecurity as I grapple with the mammoth undertaking ahead! I suspect that some of the insecurity will diminish somewhat when I get clear about the DBA requirements and create a new path on my whiteboard with milestones.  I plan to complete this when I return from Henley in late July. Then my focus will be to adhere to the plan and proactively seek help when I need it!

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Irregular Can be Good!

Posted on June 4, 2011 by alexk

I have 12 minutes to write this post before the library closes!!  It was a reasonably productive work week and an irregular Saturday so far.  This morning I played doubles tennis at 8am which was a great deal of fun until it started to rain.  The upside to this was it enabled me to watch a bit of the French Open before I departed for the library.  This is when things became irregular!!  It was raining, in fact storming, so I spent 2 hours at a coffee shop.  I  accomplished some good reading and thinking there.  I then decided to reward myself with a short shopping trip before the library.  This turned into a two hour “break” and resulted in serious damage to my VISA card.  That said, it was a great deal of fun!

Suffice it to say, I was very focused when I arrived at the library at 3pm.  I  finished reading Dag’s dissertation and summarized some high level take-aways.  I also pulled together a high level plan for the week which will include sending Dag a thank-you email.  His dissertation has deepened my understanding  of the scope of the DBA Stage and provoked useful thinking about my research question and methodology. 

Next week I will also complete some industry research that should enable an expansion of my research sample, as well as several Khan Academy tutorials.  What are Khan Academy tutorials?   They are my new BFF!  I found out about the website in the context of my interest in children’s education.  Khan has created an extensive library of tutorials to help children understand math.  I was thrilled to discover that he also has created an extensive library on Statistics.  Last week I completed 3 modules and found them very easy to understand and a very digestible activity for during the work week.  I plan to work through the entire library this summer.

Another highlight for the week was meeting with another researcher who is exploring gender and leadership.  She is completing a PhD and we hit it off right away.  It was really enjoyable to discuss concepts, theories, and researchers who we both knew and also to exchange ideas.  I am looking forward to staying connected to her as we both travel the path to doctorate.  Have to sign off now, the library is now closed!

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Keep Pushing

Posted on May 29, 2011 by alexk

It is 3pm and I have two more hours at the library, but I am zonked!!  I started the day very early with tennis and grocery shopping.  I then departed for the library at about 1030.  I think that the early start may explain why I feel like it is time to go home already.  Instead of writing my “post” at the end of my library stint as per my habit, I have decided to do it now.  Switching gears will give my brain a change of pace.

Overall, it was a reasonably productive week.  I had to dig deep, but I forced myself to do some reading every night.  Sometimes I only managed to do 30 minutes, but I feel that I am getting back into good habits so am pleased with my efforts.  I also engaged in email correspondence with my second supervisor.  It is early days, but I feel very positive about her involvement in my dissertation journey for three reasons.  First, her academic focus is aligned to my research interest.  Second, she has long tenure at Henley.  Finally, based on her bio, she has expertise in providing dissertation oversight.   All of this bodes well for me and I am hoping that we can meet face to face in July.  If not, we have agreed to use Skype to connect.

My focus for today, as well as this week, continues to be a detailed review of a thesis on Transformational Leadership and Organization Performance.  The research is really well written and has a structure that is easy to follow.  At this point, I understand about 40% of the statistical analysis, but the results are clear to me and I now have additional ideas for my research methodology.  I have about 75 pages left to read as well as the Appendix so should be finished by next Saturday.  I am going to try and send the researcher a note when I complete the review, he has been pivotal in helping me to emerge from the wilderness!!

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Wandering in the Wilderness

Posted on May 22, 2011 by alexk

I have been feeling quite lost over the past week.  The feeling comes and goes but was especially strong after receiving the evaluation on my Pilot Study.  I  was very disappointed with the grade.  I need to reread the feedback when I am feeling less emotional about it, but the core concern was the sample size and resulting impact to actual analysis that could be performed.  I was upset because I had previously been given guidance to the contrary.  The key learning here is that it is essential to understand the requirements of the individual(s) who will actual do the assessment!

This week I spent some time brainstorming ideas and thoughts on flip chart paper which was a useful exercise because it led me to my focus for today.  I decided that I need to get more clear on expectations for the DBA stage of my research because I don’t want to be blindsided again.  I have spent the past four hours  reviewing a Henley doctoral dissertation that is very similar to my research interest.  It has been time well spent for several reasons. First, it is an interesting read, and has renewed my passion for my topic!  Second, it has highlighted a lot of literature that I need to review.  Third, it is helping me to refine my research question.  I have only read the first two chapters, about 100 pages, but so far there has been a significant ROI!  I am looking forward to tackling the Methodology section next week.

I am pleased with today’s efforts and am departing now.  I am going to do some errands and then get ready for a dinner party.  It has been an especially social weekend already.  Last night I went to the opera and then out later for drinks and dancing.  Tomorrow I am going to the spa all day with a girlfriend.  I am glad that I am having more FUN, especially now that the weather is warmer.  Still need to ramp up academic productivity during the week though.

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Creating Some Structure

Posted on May 14, 2011 by alexk

Today is a very grey and rainy day.  It has been very difficult to get motivated and focused.    This morning, I was very tempted to head home and nap!!  Instead I left the coffee shop and came to the library which helped me to get into the right headspace.

I am about to complete a 4 hour work stint which required a good deal of self-talk and digging deep to achieve. Since submitting my Research Proposal a few weeks ago, I have noted a clear drop in productivity.  I need to address this situation promptly.  I think an effective strategy will be to create more structure and deadlines for myself.  As a result, I have just created a high level project plan for the month of May.  Additionally, I have summarized my latest thoughts on my research question as well as a list of edits to my colloquium presentation.   I also did some focused reading about the MLQ, and now have a better understanding of Bass & Avolio’s Full Range of Leadership Model.  My final task will be to locate and print several research papers.

Although my intensity was low during the work week, I did manage to set up several meetings for the near future.  On Wednesday I will be meeting with a Henley Research Associate who is preparing for her VIVA.  I have also set up a meeting with PhD student who shares my research interest, and lunch with an executive who is considering starting a doctorate.   I also followed up with Henley and have learned the name of my 2ndResearch Supervisor which is great news.  I hope to meet with her and other Henley DBAs when I am in the UK this summer.  

Not sure how to wrap up this post, so I am going to stop typing.  I hope that the upcoming week is focused and productive.

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All Aboard!

Posted on May 8, 2011 by alexk

I am currently on board a VIA train.  I enjoyed a lovely Mother’s Day weekend with my family.  Highlights included Afternoon Tea with my Mum and a delicious and relaxed family dinner last night.  I am definitely smackered though, so very glad to be returning home.  Fortunately the week ahead contains no work travel so I will be able to unpack my luggage when I get home and put it in storage for awhile! 

The colloquium presentation went well on Thursday.  I felt confident delivering the presentation and responding to questions and comments during the Q@A. The overarching feedback is that my scope is still far too wide and I need to include more citations throughout the deck.

My priorities for the week ahead are three-fold.  First, I will follow-up with Henley to determine status of my UK supervisor.  Second, I will update the research deck as per the colloquium feedback.  Third, on Saturday I will think through refining my scope and document appropriate next steps.

I am also going to try and schedule some meetings with Henley researchers who are at the final stages of their doctorate.  It will be useful to hear about their key learnings and get advice on my next steps and thinking.

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